LEWIS AND CLARK

I walked into my bathroom and I sat down on the john
To read the morning paper and to look upon my lawn
When suddenly a rushing wind sucked me from below
Down the hole and through the pipes a tumbling I did go

Through the grim and sludge I slid foul odor all the way
When finally I was vacuumed to the sewer where I lay
I shook my head in disbelief, “What happened, I declared?”
Sitting in that hole below in just my underwear

Well I put my hand up to my chin just wondering what to think
All bruised and cut and naked a lying in the stink

Just then I heard a noise a coming to and fro’
Out from the darkness I saw some tiny toes
It was small it was sneaky I thought it was a cat
But down from the darkness I saw it was a rat

He walked right up to me and said, “How do you do my friend?”
“Is this a dream?” I said right back. “I don not comprehend!”
Dressed neatly in a black tux With a top hat on his head
His whiskers they were neatly trimmed but he looked a bit unfed

He pointed to the darkness come follow me today
We’re going to the lighthouse where all my children play

Well I pulled myself up off the ground as he led me through the dark
He said his name was Lewis I said that mine was Clark
After ‘bout a half a mile some light burst on the scene
We rushed unto the tunnels end upon the evergreen

Lewis ran out of that hole and climbed upon a hill
“Clark,” he said, “We’ll take the path down by the daffodils
Beyond the flowery meadow down by that highway road
Is where ol' Lewis found a seat and sat to rest his load

Well I sat right down next to him upon that busy lane
Then Lewis lit a cigarette his face now winced in pain

Lewis said, “Now take a look!” as the speeding cars flew by
“This world is like a rat race now let me tell you why.”
He took his paw and smacked me on the right side of my face
He said, “I think its sickening what you call the human race!”

He looked at all the people in their autos driving by
He said, “There goes a lawyer with a dentist and a spy.
And now here comes a baker and a guy who hits home runs.
There goes two homos kissing and a guy who’s deaf and dumb!”

Well I wiped the blood right off my cheek from that clawing I just took
I said, “You better watch it Lew!” I was feeling pretty shook

“You’d think things would be better,” Lewis scowled in dismay
“But after about six thousand years you still have tooth decay.
Did you ever read to do what’s right and leave alone the wrong?
I can’t believe your fighting can’t you even get along?”

“Clark? Open up your eyes ol'’ boy and take a look around!
In your inner cities their like a battleground.
The children they’re all dying don’t you see it on the news?
This world is like a punching bag and its turning black and blue!”

Just then that rat he got right up and he ran on down that lane
Back to that ol'’ lighthouse right down there on memory lane

Soon we reached that lighthouse on the point down by the bay
This is where Lew’s children spent their time during the day
He introduced me to his wife Oletta was her name
But all just called her Tootsie for that was her claim to fame

She just had finished cooking some pancakes on the stove
She asked me if I’d join them for some hotcakes in the grove
And when we finished eating and much to my surprise
Ol’ Lew got back in my face trying to antagonize

I said, “Come on now, Lew! I think I’ve had enough!
I made this long ol'” trip don’t you think that’s fair enough?”

“Come back unto that lighthouse I’ll take you to the top!
I want to show you something you will appreciate a lot!”
With apprehensive feelings I followed him along
To the top of that ol'’ lighthouse just like some tag along

So when we finished climbing we walked out by the rail
I looked upon the beauty and the flying nightingale
I wondered why he brought me here to this barren light so high
Was it something that was deep inside he had to rectify

Well Lewis now he swatted me again across the face
Wondering what he was about to say was his only saving grace
Lewis climbed upon the rail and he pointed across the way
“Clark?” he said, “I’m ashamed of you this is what I have to say!
Look across this fertile land and look at what you’ve done.
The land and sea are ruined from your fun out in the sun!”

“So get your act together fix whats been going wrong!
And if we’re at the end of it its time to say so long!
Stop making rivers sewers stop smogging up the skies!
Stop blowing up your buildings and trying to terrorize!”

So once again ol'’ Lewis he slapped me cross the face
“This time I said, “I’ve had enough! Now your going to leave this place!”

So with one quick and sneaky move I pushed Lew off that rail
Toward the ground he hurled to his death that rat he sailed
“My, oh my!,” Oletta cried I heard her voice below
And then she cried defiantly, “I think you’d better go!”

So as I made my journey home from the events down by the sea
I thought about Lewis that rat and what he meant to me
“If you feel a rushing wind approach take a deep breath of fresh air.
Brush your teeth blow your nose and wear clean underwear.”